Be the Change You Want to See in the World

Therapy has taught me so many things. I have learned so much about myself in the past 4 years, and I've changed whole-heartedly for the better. Before I was 30, I used some very unhealthy coping mechanisms just to put one foot in front of the other. I was disconnected from my emotional intelligence, I never listened to my gut. Because I was so disengaged from my emotional intelligence, I didn't understand people. I didn't understand why they behaved the way they did, why they made decisions the way they did, or what made them tick. Looking back, I was a 30 year old child wandering the world, completely in the dark about the true nature of people.

I was a professional at burying my emotions. I wanted to see myself as the fun party girl, always ready to go to the bars, always ready for another drink, always ready for a good time. I fancied myself as level-headed, strong, and unlike other "weak" women, completely unemotional. And because I buried my emotions instead of dealing with them, I was either angry or irritable. All the time. I didn't know how to forgive. Worse, I saw forgiveness as weakness. 

By the time I started therapy when I was 30, my anger, self-hatred, and anxiety had begun to seep into my everyday life. The side effects were palpable. I was having a couple of migraines a month, sleeping for maybe 2-3 hours a night, and I was having uncontrollable emotional outbursts. I'd been prescribed anxiety drugs and painkillers upon leaving Portland, and I'd become a bit too dependent on those as well. Eventually, this ticking time-bomb of a situation came to a head. I had to take steps to better my situation. Between the hubby and I, we decided I would try seeing a psychiatrist.

Therapy helped almost immediately. It allowed me to take a step back from myself and say, "Whoa". I began to see that I had done myself no favors by burying my emotions because guess what? All of those emotions were still there. There was nothing valiant about heading a panic attack off with Xanax (not that there is anything wrong with medication if you need to take it. I've just learned that I don't need it). I gained nil from carrying my anger and inability to forgive throughout my whole life. 

I began to work on my anger. I began to think about forgiveness. Memory by memory, emotion by emotion, my therapist and I are organizing the files in my mind that were previously strewn about. Anger and being unforgiving serves nothing. It accomplishes nothing. It is the heaviest of burdens to bear. I began to see that I didn't have to carry that weight around. I don't have to carry anger from childhood bullying with me. I don't have to be mad at every friend who's no longer my friend. 

Nobody is perfect. Not one person on this Earth is perfect. We all make mistakes. I've made so many mistakes in my lifetime, many of which I'm still trying to forgive myself for. But you know what I've learned in my journey? Sometimes we make mistakes because we just don't know better. Because we are young and naive and don't have the life experience to make a different decision. And I'm not going to hold a grudge against those mistakes. Because what's the point? I gain nothing from holding on to those negative emotions and I lose everything else. 

So I let go of it all. Or, I'm actively trying to let it all go 😉

I woke up yesterday to a sunny day. And I felt renewed of hope. I had a completely revitalizing session of yoga where this realization suddenly dawned on me:

What do heroes do when they've lost a fight?

They don't give up. They lick their wounds, and then they pick up their sword and they keep fighting. They fight for what they know is right, regardless of whether it's hard or not. They lose chapters, but they never give up on the book.

And that will be me. I'm still working on things like standing up for myself and setting boundaries in therapy, but today, today I vow to try harder. I will not stand idly by while people bash my beliefs, I will call them on it. Calmly. I'm truly respectful of other people's beliefs. It's time they respected mine.

I will be the change I want to see in the world. 

Because you see, love will win. I just have to believe that. Someday we will live in a world without hate. Someday we will realize that every human is just that- our fellow humans. We are all the same regardless of skin color, wealth, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, and every other wonderful difference that makes us so diverse. Every single being on this planet deserves equality. 

So I am hopeful. I will do what I think is right, even when it's hard. 

I will love. Because no one can take that away from me. 

I will be the change I want to see in the world. 

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